Grand Theft Life

Hi, my name is Andrew, and I'm a GTAIV addict.

Hi Andrew.

I used to think that I could control it y'know? I'd made it through San Andreas ok after all. I figured, how much worse could it get? Everyone said San Andreas was as far as you could go, but I managed to never get lost in it. This is different, things have changed. The second I saw Liberty City again, I knew I was a goner.

Then I drove my first car, fired my first gun, killed my first cop, and earned my first arrest. The high was unbelievable. I knew I was in too deep already, I couldn't do it again. But I couldn't stop either, I was too far gone. First it was a simple driving mission, but then it got worse. Next thing I know, I'm attacking Chinese shopkeepers with bricks for the Russian mob. And I love it. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help myself. It's all too gratifying.

I didn't know where to turn next. Every day it was the same thing. Come home, and get loaded on GTA. It became my passion and my life. I know there's other things to do, I have to study or feed the dog, but it all takes a backseat once I light up the controller. There is nothing but GTA, now or ever.

I finally decided it was time to get help. I came here hoping I could find some. I look out and see that I was wrong. Because all the time I just spent writing this, I could be spending mowing down innocent crackheads.

My name is Andrew, and I'm a GTAIV addict.

A Slice of Genius

I sit before this computer awestruck, currently experiencing what I call "Cinematic Grandeur" running through my very veins.  I have felt the once-in-a-blue-moon feeling of wanting to see a movie the second it was over.  No, not Juno, not Crash, not The Matrix, not one of them life-altering Oscar flicks.  No, this is simply a potty-mouthed laugh attack.  

And it's brilliant.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall (A Judd Apatow Production), details the life of Peter Bretter (Jason Segel, How I Met Your Mother) following a break-off of a five year love-a-thon with TV celeb Sarah Marshall (Kristen Bell, Heroes).  Broken-hearted and crying like a schoolgirl, Peter resorts to a trip to Hawaii to calm his state of panic, only to find everyone's favorite celebrity ex and her newest boytoy, British rock sensation Aldous Snow (Russell Brand).  The heartbreak continues despite being surrounded by the most beautiful part of the country, until encouraged by friends to secure a hot date with the lovely receptionist Rachel Jansen (Mila Kunis, That 70's Show).  What follows is a laugh riot featuring great cameos and one liners that'll leave you in stitches.

It should be noted right away, though the plot sounds quasi-cliche, it feels anything but.  Snappy one-liners and cut-away jokes make for brilliant surprises in the plot, and the timing of said jokes is phenomenal.  What I refer to as "Family Guy Syndrome", aka the ability to drag on a joke way too long, is gone completely from FSM.  Just when one of the jokes seems tedious, it's over and the plot advances.  The writing is top-notch, brilliantly funny, and delivered solidly by the four main leads.  

The aforementioned leads carry the plot like a sloth carries moss.  Segel's moments of sheer embarrassment are to die for, and I mean embarrassment.  Full frontal embarrassment.  Meanwhile Brand attempts to steal the show as the British music idol who's borderline straight-edge and consistently delivers comedy gold.  Kunis and Bell each act out their respective girly parts well, and you manage to find yourself caring about each character despite the way you want to hate Marshall.

Perhaps most intriguing is the ability of actor cameos to bring a smile to your face, whether's it's Jonah Hill (of Accepted and Superbad fame) as a waiter obssessed with the career of Snow, Paul Rudd (star of previous Apatow projects, 40-Year-Old-Virgin and Knocked Up) as a dim bulb surf instructor or  even Jason Bateman (Arrested Development) making a great cameo while the credits roll.  All the bit parts are played competently and each manages to steal the scene when they're on screen.  If anything, all the comedy belongs to the background players while the big four advance the plot.  Oh, and did I mention Jack McBrayer (30 Rock's Kenneth) plays quite a part himself?

When push comes to shove, I don't how much more praise I can lay on this movie.  It's heartfelt, hilarious, and dare I say it, near-perfect.  I'd love to say it's perfect, simply because I can't find any flaws, but I'm hesitant to dish out that scary ten out of ten.  That said, FSM is the funniest movie I've seen in years.  Better than Wedding Crashers, Anchorman, Knocked Up, Superbad, if you name it, this movie's likely funnier.  Led by strong acting, snappy writing, and an all out fantastic showing by everyone involved, it seems Judd Apatow has once again struck comedy gold.  My only question is, how does he outdo this one?

9.75/10

From Downtown!

Sports. Every day the American population is enslaved, not by politics or the economy, but by grown men playing with balls. BALLS. Potty humor aside, it begs the question, why in the world are sports so bloody popular? Shame to say, I won't be answering this question, but instead asking a question of my own. With football, baseball, and basketball taking obvious precendence as the love children of the American public, and hockey and soccer taking backseat being the redheaded (Canada and Europe) step-children. Here's a fun question though, why the bloody hell isn't lacrosse taking the nation by storm? Let us ponder, using the guidelines of popular American sports.

Step 1 - Points
We love excitement here in the U.S. of A. It's why hockey and soccer are often banished to the ESPN2's and Versus' of the world, because the basic American (fe)male can not hold off boredom long enough to watch a 2-1 game. Why do you think football's so bloody popular! The average score of one possession is 3-7 points. I imagine it wouldn't be near as much fun to watch if Touchdowns were worth 3 points and field goals 2 and extra points one. The Super Bowl from this past year would have been won 8-6! Mind-blowing as that is, the average lacrosse score is something along the lines of 14-10 (pulled out of my ass). That's more than the average baseball score to be sure, I just watched a lacrosse game the other day where one team scored 10 times in a quarter! EXCITEMENT!

(Side note - maybe the NHL should make each goal worth 10 points, imagine the crowds that would build around a game won 40-20! Maybe even detract points if it doesn't hit the back of the net or hits the bar. I digress)

Point 2 - Speed and Skill!
Have you ever watched a soccer game? It takes them half the bloody game to move close enough to the goal to take a shot, and that's if the defense is tired. Half the thrill of the big three is the way a game can change instantaneously, a hail mary, a home run, a three-pointer! Crazy mutha 'uckas! Lacrosse game speed is intense, with players running up and down the field taking shots every five seconds, bobbing and weaving like mad! I'm getting excited just thinking about it! Someone drug me!

zzzzzz

Point 3 - Violence
Who doesn't love violence? For some reason, hockey has managed to screw up the edge they had here, but the rest of it makes sense. Football's all about tackling and hitting, it's pure testosterone. How's this for basketball. Remember that big Pistons/Pacers brawl that spilled into the audience? That may have been tragic and all that, but how many people do you think tuned in the next time they played hoping for a repeat? I know what you're asking now, what about baseball? Oh, you're not asking that? Then I'll move on. In lacrosse, while you're doing the aforementioned bobbing and weaving, you're constantly being beaten with the other players sticks! The average lacrosse player probably has enough welts to put those crawling skin beetles from The Mummy Returns to shame!

I rest my case. These three points clearly demonstrate the thirst that all American's secretly have to watch the highly entertaining sport of lacrosse. So get cracking fatties! Next time you see the game on Versus or ESPNU, give it a try and watch how totally awesome you think it is. You'll thank me for it later.

-SatR

Blogging and Pie

I never understood the fascination with blogging for the longest time, and then it occured to me. Blogging is the internet equivalent of running out into a crowded New York intersection, screaming about how much you love pie or how much your mom sucks for grounding you for the weekend, and then getting punched in the face by the guy who wishes you shut up and stop being all emo about your pie-love. Of course, on the internet, you only get punched by hateful comments, only painful if you can't take it when people diss pie.

Accordingly, I suppose it's fitting that blogging caught on like it did. The entire internet got swept up in it. Lovestruck teenagers would type on end about their wonderful "significant other" until the inevitable painful breakup, in which they'd relentlessly type their tears into heartfelt blog posts. Then the trolls came and mocked them for it. Sometimes it's hard to fathom why the internet has become such a social haven, when the majority of people on it will taunt you or bitch about their problems.

So why am I blogging? Honestly, it's time-killing at it's finest. What better way to pass the time then to sit here staring at this screen, typing whatever incredibly dumb thoughts sprout out of my head and littering the internet with talk about people who love pie. The best part? People will read it, laugh at me (or preferably with me) and mindlessly barrage me with comments.

The sad truth? I'll be lucky to get one. But hey, that's what blogging's all about I guess. Honestly, whoever got famous just by having a website on a social network, got their own crappy reality show on TV, and become a recording artist for a semi-major record label, as well as having a name that rhymes with Bequila? Exactly.

Now, where did I leave that pie.