From Downtown!

Sports. Every day the American population is enslaved, not by politics or the economy, but by grown men playing with balls. BALLS. Potty humor aside, it begs the question, why in the world are sports so bloody popular? Shame to say, I won't be answering this question, but instead asking a question of my own. With football, baseball, and basketball taking obvious precendence as the love children of the American public, and hockey and soccer taking backseat being the redheaded (Canada and Europe) step-children. Here's a fun question though, why the bloody hell isn't lacrosse taking the nation by storm? Let us ponder, using the guidelines of popular American sports.

Step 1 - Points
We love excitement here in the U.S. of A. It's why hockey and soccer are often banished to the ESPN2's and Versus' of the world, because the basic American (fe)male can not hold off boredom long enough to watch a 2-1 game. Why do you think football's so bloody popular! The average score of one possession is 3-7 points. I imagine it wouldn't be near as much fun to watch if Touchdowns were worth 3 points and field goals 2 and extra points one. The Super Bowl from this past year would have been won 8-6! Mind-blowing as that is, the average lacrosse score is something along the lines of 14-10 (pulled out of my ass). That's more than the average baseball score to be sure, I just watched a lacrosse game the other day where one team scored 10 times in a quarter! EXCITEMENT!

(Side note - maybe the NHL should make each goal worth 10 points, imagine the crowds that would build around a game won 40-20! Maybe even detract points if it doesn't hit the back of the net or hits the bar. I digress)

Point 2 - Speed and Skill!
Have you ever watched a soccer game? It takes them half the bloody game to move close enough to the goal to take a shot, and that's if the defense is tired. Half the thrill of the big three is the way a game can change instantaneously, a hail mary, a home run, a three-pointer! Crazy mutha 'uckas! Lacrosse game speed is intense, with players running up and down the field taking shots every five seconds, bobbing and weaving like mad! I'm getting excited just thinking about it! Someone drug me!

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Point 3 - Violence
Who doesn't love violence? For some reason, hockey has managed to screw up the edge they had here, but the rest of it makes sense. Football's all about tackling and hitting, it's pure testosterone. How's this for basketball. Remember that big Pistons/Pacers brawl that spilled into the audience? That may have been tragic and all that, but how many people do you think tuned in the next time they played hoping for a repeat? I know what you're asking now, what about baseball? Oh, you're not asking that? Then I'll move on. In lacrosse, while you're doing the aforementioned bobbing and weaving, you're constantly being beaten with the other players sticks! The average lacrosse player probably has enough welts to put those crawling skin beetles from The Mummy Returns to shame!

I rest my case. These three points clearly demonstrate the thirst that all American's secretly have to watch the highly entertaining sport of lacrosse. So get cracking fatties! Next time you see the game on Versus or ESPNU, give it a try and watch how totally awesome you think it is. You'll thank me for it later.

-SatR